10 things I HATE about you, YES YOU Edward Cullen
by Twonk
Summary: This is a rant about why I loathe Edward Cullen- the whole CONCEPT of Edward Cullen- and why Jacob Black is SO MUCH BETTER. Please read my reasons before you judge- and if you feel the need to flame, do it. I need a laugh LOL.
1. The main rant

10 Reasons why I dislike Edward Cullen.

He's extremely patronising

He's _way_ too much of a Gary Stu

He leads Bella on several times, then tells her to control herself

He has a serious superiority complex

He is way too over protective

He doesn't know how to have fun

Everybody loves him, although he is the most RIDICULOUS character since sliced bread. (Not that that is a character in any major novels I have read recently)

People are verging on OBSESSIVE. This is stupid guys!

Vampires are supposed to have the 'sexy evil' thing going on- I much preferred him when he was being a moody git at the beginning of Twilight.

He's rich. And has a nice car. (Okay that reason was slightly pathetic)

10 reasons why I LOVE Jacob Black

He sounds really, really hot- in both senses of the word.

He is really moody- I like that

He's a WEREWOLF, not a stupid Vampire- they're ten a penny.

He likes to go Cliff-Jumping. WOW! A daring guy is fine by me.

He's v.v. tall and muscular. I have a fetish.

He's not perfect- he has his faults.

I have always LOVED the name Jacob. For EVER. (No idea _why_ exactly…)

Edward doesn't like him, so whomever Edward doesn't like, I like them automatically.

He loves to take the piss out of Mike Newton- HILARIOUS!

He taught Bella how to ride a motorbike- good for him. Edward's so BORING.

The only line I actually like in the whole of the _Twilight _series.

"_And the lion fell in love with the lamb." _That line is poetic- quite beautiful. The rest is far too _chick-lit_, perfect, ridiculous, clichéd, slow- I like a fast paced story.

AND WHOEVER SAYS THAT THIS SERIES IS THE NEXT HARRY POTTER WANTS THEIR HEAD'S EXAMINED. Yes I agree that these books are fine for a bit of light reading (after all I have read them all) But the next Harry Potter? _Puh-lease. _

That is the end of my little rant. Thank you for reading, and if you want to flame me, please do so. However, I am just a sane person trying to donate a little sanity into this ridiculous infatuation with the most irritating Vampire of novel-history: Edward Cullen.

Plus Jacob doesn't get enough recognition. People say he's irritating because he's so clingy. So? If you fancied this girl/boy and this perfect pompous _arse_ came along and took them away, wouldn't you make a fuss? See, I told you so.


	2. Shadow the obsessor

Hello my dear people.

That includes Edward Cullen lovers as well as haters- aka ME.

I've had a _very_ interesting range of reviews for this quick rant over the last few weeks, from "Yeah Edward Cullen sucks!" to "How could you break the hearts of so many teenagers?". I have laughed, I have cried. In fact, once I think I snorted so loudly that my mother thought the computer room had been inhabited by a pig.

But yes. If you remember, the main theories of my tirade were these:

1. Teenagers are getting overly obsessed with this Cullen fool.

2. Girls (and some boys- whatever floats your boat) are in love WITH A FICTIONAL CHARACTER.

Is that healthy? Is it? Can you imagine that when you're older, say 91 years old with 103 cats, that if you say to your carer (could be your daughter, son, random bloke, anyone- it doesn't matter) "I'm a virgin because all my life I have been saving myself for Edward Cullen- you know that fictional character in that crappy story _Twilight_?" That they _won't _carry you away in a white coat, destined for a padded cell? Or even better, that they may just shoot you on the spot? Please!

This is a wonderful example of one of these people:

"_I'm a Edward person, (Got a problem with that?) and this is just stupid.'He's a WEREWOLF, not a stupid Vampire- they're ten a penny.'-Well -doo. Vampries will kick warewolves any day. Another thing, this isn't a story, SO DON'T POST THIS AS ONE!"_

I'm afraid that I fear for this person's sanity- and for my own safety, and the safety of others- I have no choice but to phone the nearest asylum and explain my speculation that this person is possibly insane.

No, just kidding, I won't do that.

Instead I merely chuckle to myself, and see that this person has not made an account- perhaps too afraid of a cutting comeback.

As for being an Edward person, of course I don't have a problem with it- well, it's not something I'd beat you up in the street for anyway- something of which I am very capable. *Cough Black Belt at Tae Kwon Do Cough*- sorry about that, hate to boast.

Number 2- Your grammar in this review is appalling. What is with all the random full stops? Were you under the influence of alcohol when you wrote this? I mean, you poor person, to have a revolting taste in men AND to be illiterate? Did your mother ASK you to run away when you were small?

Number 3- What is with the grand scale of over-reaction? And the miss- spelling of WEREWOLVES? Please, I do not approve of the use of drugs. They are NOT cool, and your powers of reasoning definitely seem to suffer.

Number 4- THIS IS NOT CRAP. Sorry, I meant this is not . Or stupid. It's merely my opinion on the matter of Edward Vs. Jacob. And quite a respectable opinion too. At least it's balanced. And, I apologise for questioning your sanity again, but you do talk about these fictional characters AS IF THEY ARE REAL. Yes, many people do think that. If they are ten years old. Don't you have to be thirteen to join this site? Oh dear, somebody has been telling lies!

Finally, apparently this is not a story. Yes, I concur that this, at least, is true. You want a story? You've got a story. Just read the next chapter…


	3. A Twilight Story

"Bella?" Edwards velvet voice rang through the air. I shivered. When would I ever get used to hearing that voice? I knew the answer to that. I wouldn't. I never could.

"Edward!" I spun around like the desperate, infantile person I am. There Edward stood, a smug smile playing on his lips, and his topaz eyes filled with their usual arrogance. I loved it.

"Oh Edward!" I flung myself into his cold stone arms. My vampire hugged me tightly to his chest, his fingers running through my hair, his lips brushing my skin.

"Little Bella," he murmured. "I missed you for the entire hour and a half I was away."

"I missed you too." Greedily, I pulled his perfect face towards mine. His lips pressed into me, the rich divine feeling taking over my entire body. Letting out a moan of pleasure I opened my mouth.

As quickly as it started, Edward pushed me away. "No my Bella," he said, reproach dripping off every word. "We mustn't get carried away. I can't afford to leave you again."

"I hate it that it has to be so hard for you!" I cried, flinging my arms around his neck.

**Now please multiply this short piece of dialogue and Bella/Edward interaction by about 20. That should make up the first half of my book. After all, I must keep to Stephanie Meyer's oh-so- fine style mustn't I?**

**Just to spice things up a bit, here are 10 scenarios that you can apply this extract to. Yes, you will have to use the scenarios twice. But hey! Meyer gets away with it! Et voila!**

**Bella is going sky diving and her parachute doesn't work. Oh noes! But before Bella hits the ground full impact, Edward miraculously manages to save her. **

**Bella decides to go on a motorbike ride, but she is going too fast! However, before she goes hurtling to her death, Edward manages to save her. **

**Bella decides to meet her friend Jacob. However, Jacob is in a really bad mood, and begins to change into a werewolf. But just before he could hurt Bella, Edward manages to save her. **

**Bella decides to go to the store. However, the soup tin pyramid looks pretty wobbly. It begins to fall… but before Bella is crushed by a pile of chicken noodle, Edward miraculously manages to save her. **

**Bella decides to do some knitting. But her knitting needles slip! However, before the needle pierces her lungs and she DIES A HORRIBLE DEATH, brilliant Edward manages to save her. **

**Bella goes to school. But as she isn't concentrating when she opens her desk! Before the desk lid can slam on her hand, wonderful Edward Cullen MANAGES TO SAVE HER!**

**Bella switches on the TV. Big Brother comes on. But before Bella can relax to the joys of trashy television, super-dooper Edward manages to save her!**

**Bella opens the fridge. She reaches for a choc ice. NO! BAD BELLA! That's junk food! Don't worry, good old Ed manages to save her. **

**Another nasty vamp is after Bella. No worries. Guess who saves her. Not Edward is it?**

**Bella does something else ENTIRELY NORMAL for a teenage girl, but Edward is such a superior, controlling git, with such a huge hero-complex that he feels he has to save her. And Bella is GRATEFUL. Why doesn't she just slap him around the face????**

**Can you see a pattern there? Oh well. Next half of story. **

"Edward!" My voice came out desperate and needy. No change there then. "I'm scared."

Edward frowned, his handsome feature accentuated all the more. Even though I was in such a ridiculous situation I felt my body melt like a chocolate button. Who cares if I was about to be murdered? As long as Edward kept on being so damn good looking!

Edward ignored me, but I didn't care as I love him so much. "Alice?" He said, his voice cold. "What do you see?"

Alice's head was in her hands. "I don't know. It's not clear… I don't understand…"

"Dammit!" Edward bellowed. "Why does your vision always fail you at the point of climax!"

I clutched at his arm. "Edward, don't!" My fingers caressed his marble skin. "You're not helping."

He turned his magnificent face towards my worried one. His golden eyes dissolved into mine, and his skin shone briefly in the moonlight. "I'm sorry." His voice was barely above a whisper. "I'm just terrified. For you."

I had never heard him use the word terrified before. An icy hand clutched my heart. "What's going to happen to me?"

Edward, being the patient person he is, didn't shout, "Why is it always about you?" although my readers so often do. Instead he slowly shook his head. "Nothing. I'll always be here for you Bella. Don't forget about that."

My concern still overwhelmed me. "What about Charlie?" I didn't really care, but it seemed the proper thing to ask.

Edward's hand gripped mine. Despite his cold skin, a flood of warmth enveloped my heart. "Don't you worry about a thing my lamb. Nothing can harm you."

Suddenly I thought of Jacob. His face a mask of hurt and pain- the pain that I had caused him. I felt my insides shrivel. Why couldn't I be with one of them without hurting the other? After all, Jacob was my best friend- the best I'd ever had.

**Imagine this utter bollocks to go on for another 30 chapters…**

My breath was ragged. I had never been more terrified in my life. The Vampire was coming towards me, her eyes the colour of flames.

"I'm sick of you," She breathed. "You're so boring, a complete doormat. If I was Meyer I would have done her readers a favour, and killed you off ages ago. But no. Some idiots kept buying the books. She believed that the series was popular- fair enough. It is. But do you know how many people got BRAINWASHED? DO YOU?"

I shook my head, too horrified at being trapped in this nightmare to scream.

"I didn't think so. And now Miss Swan, it's time to DIE!"

I screamed as her teeth plunged into my face.

***

But surprise, surprise everything turned out fine. Edward had saved me. Again.

All the Cullen's looked down on me, their worried faces smoothed out to looks of relief. "Oh Charlie!" Carlisle called in my father.

To my surprise he was there, his face beaming with joy. "Bella you're safe!"

**I really can't be bothered to finish this. But I think you get the general gist. Always the same, isn't it? So there you go, Shadow what's-yer-name. A story. I'll think you'll find it satisfactory- it's entirely in your taste. **

**Bye! XD. **

**P.S Please review. Or I'll cry. And we don't want that. Or maybe you do. Whatever. XDD. **


	4. A Scenario

I stared at Edward, my expression obvious. "Why Edward? What for?"

Edward glanced at the half melted choc-ice in his hands, the chocolate and ice cream running down his wrist. "I had to."

I continued to glare at him, my mouth dry and feeling weak. It was a hot sunny day dammit! Why couldn't I have an ice cream? "Please Edward, give me the choc ice."

He stepped back, just keeping the sticky mess out of my reach. "A minute on the lips is a lifetime on the hips."

Startled, I glanced down at my figure. It was true that I had gone from a size eight to a size ten recently. Perhaps I was turning into a complete hippo? Maybe if I got any bigger, then Edward wouldn't love me anymore…

I stared at the vanilla sludge, now up to his forearm. I had the overwhelming temptation to lick it off. My tongue poked out of my mouth, ready for that sweet sensation on a hard, muscular body… But the hips, the junk food, _Edward_…

"You're right." My arm, ready to try and snatch the ice, fell back down to my side, limp as a fish out of water. He had saved me again. Saved me from the evils of sugar, the horror of obesity. If I had wrapped my lips around that lovely, delicious, delectable choc-ice, I may as well have died. Edward was my SAVIOUR!

Smirking, Edward put the mangled lump in the bin, and went over to the sink to wash his hands. I watched as the water mixed with the melted cream, and I suddenly wanted to cry. I really wanted it! I know that it was bad but… Edward turned and saw my lip trembling.

"Aw, you know it was for the best."

He put his arm around my shoulder briefly, then went back to washing his hands, the chocolate refusing to come off.

Suddenly, I had an idea. Acting on impulse, I went over to the freezer, and took out the entire box of chocs. Damn Edward! I wasn't a child! I could have one if I…

The box felt nice and heavy in my hands. Of course- there was still twelve in there. I looked up at Edward, still scrubbing at his white skin. An awful thought popped into my head. Should I? No, I couldn't!

I _could. _I was sick of him bossing me around. I loved him but… a man should _never_ mention a girl's weight. I made a quick decision. I was going to do it.

"Edward?" He turned round and… BAM.

He hadn't even had time to react, amazing as I knew his reflexes were brilliant. I looked at the box. The blood on the cardboard was already beginning to freeze.

So, he could resist knives, guns, water, wild beasts… but he could get knocked out by a girl with some ice cream? Weird.

I one out, unwrapped it, and savoured it. I glanced down. Still breathing- he'd come round in a couple of minutes.

I bet you're wondering why I would do this to the person I love. All he was concerned about was my health. I don't know, what can I say? Perhaps I'm a real **ice**-queen.

**_A/N I know it's stupid, but I really had to try one of those scenarios out. Not the best thing I've written, but faintly amusing. I found it entertaining anyway._**


End file.
